Australia In 60 Seconds

Beaches, babes and beers. Kangaroos, koalas and killer sharks. Many people know a little about Australia, and a lot of people know nothing at all (no we are not next to Germany). What the hell is going on with that random country tucked away in the corner of the world that kind of looks like an upside down Wu Tang Clan logo and has all that dangerous shit? Well, inquisitive reader, let us enlighten you with a bit of an Aussie snapshot. Australia is a big ass island - the biggest island in the world in fact - which means you can not drive here. It also means we have pretty much endless beaches, very few of which have any sharks but some of which have sharks and crocodiles at the same time. Guess what Kanye would say about that!* In real life terms, our history goes back 50,000 years with various indigenous groups having inhabited most of the country for a long long time. In “official” terms (meaning when white people found us) we were settled in 1788 when Captain Cook cruised on by. Since then we’ve been England’s most wonderful colony, and are still technically part of the monarchy even though the only Queens to have any power here are the ones running the Tranny Trivia on Oxford st. Australia is home to 22 million people, although when you count the English/Irish visa overstayers it’s more like 25 million. It’s also the 6th biggest country in the world, which means there’s a lot of empty space, and plenty of empty beaches for skinny dipping. The capital is Canberra. Apparently it’s because they couldn’t decide whether to make it Sydney or Melbourne, so they chose a little place halfway in between. It’s a nice place but you probably will never go there. A few final things to know: our religion is footy (this is a whole new chapter to learn about), everything is expensive and beautiful, no you will not die from any creature (unless you’re really good at annoying people), and no we don’t have a national food like your country probably does, so have a Pad Thai or something. Welcome, have a bloody ripper of a time. *He would say “that shit cray”, in case you didn’t get it.